How Do You Tell A Partner About Past Sexual Abuse?
Judy walked out of her therapist’s office slowly. What she had just learned made her feel sick. Before she went to her girlfriend’s house, she drove around town for half an hour to let the shock wear off. By the time she arrived at Ann’s house, the discovery that her father had committed incest with her had slid to the back of her mind, at least for now. Throughout the next month she debated with herself if she should tell Ann what had happened. Judy worried that Ann would pull back from their relatively new relationship because she was “damaged goods”; dismiss her and say she was making up the story; or force her to have nothing to do with her family.
Perhaps you, too, have struggled with whether to tell your partner about previous sexual abuse that happened either as a child or adult and how to deal with her or his reaction.
What Is At Stake?
Telling your partner about past sexual abuse, whether it happened to you as a child or an adult, can have significant consequences on a relationship. These may be positive or negative.
Partners often feel the strain of your symptoms that are the result of previous sexual abuse. These may include your avoidance of physical contact, anxiety, depression, shame, fear of certain activities or places, and a general sense of distrust. When your partner does not know the source of these symptoms, she or he may react to you with hostility, confusion, attempts to control or fix you, anxiety, and withdrawal. Knowing that something is “wrong” but not knowing why can bring in unnecessary tension to your relationship.
On the positive side, sharing your prior sexual abuse may strengthen your relationship. You and your partner may become closer when you can both speak honestly about how you are affected by this history. You and your partner may be able to relax more if both of you understand that your anger outbursts, dissociation or mood swings are a result of you being triggered by something that reminds you of the abuse and not by something that your partner has done wrong. To compensate for a temporary decreased interest in sex, you and your partner may find other ways to express your caring and affection. These may last well into the years when the aging process or declining health have diminished your sex drive.
When To Tell Your Partner?
When to tell your partner depends on several factors. These include:
· your acceptance of what has happened If you are still in shock because you just learned about childhood abuse or the abuse happened recently, you may want to wait awhile. This can give you time to accept what happened and prepare yourself for your partner’s reaction.
· how well your partner can handle potentially distressing news. If your partner is relatively calm, she or he may be handle the news and respond with understanding and compassion. Other partners may become resentful rather than compassionate that this has intruded into the relationship and are unable to tolerate the trauma’s impact on you.
· the strength of your relationship. If you are in a new relationship, you may want to wait until you think you will be with the person for some time. That way, you will have built a foundation strong enough to withstand the challenges of the trauma symptoms related to the abuse.
· how much support you have to make this decision. If you feel isolated, you may want to get professional support. Someone who understands how your nervous system responds to sexual trauma can help you understand the healing process and how this kind of trauma impacts relationships. With this understanding you may feel more confident about when and what to tell your partner about the abuse.
What To Tell Your Partner?
No matter how long you have known about the abuse or the circumstances of the abuse, your relationship can benefit from knowing what you would hope to achieve by telling your partner and what are the potential risks of telling.
Some goals include:
1. Creating an ally who understands why you act the way you do
2. Minimizing negative responses from your partner
3. Finding ways to increase trust and intimacy
4. Decreasing shame, anxiety or depression that result from abuse
Some potential risks:
1. Emotional or physical withdrawal by your partner
2. Aggression or anger from your partner
3. Being treated as a victim by your partner
4. Denial by you or your partner that the abuse happened
If you have known about the childhood abuse for some time and others outside the relationship have supported your healing from the abuse, you may want to tell your partner everything you know. This way you don’t have the burden of keeping secret an important part of your history. If you tell your partner when you have support coming in from outside the relationship, you will be better equipped to handle the rocky times ahead if your partner becomes distressed about what she or he knows.
If the abuse happened as an adult, your degree of guilt, shame and horror may influence what you tell your partner. Thinking that you did something wrong or did not do enough to avoid the sexual assault, you may carry the guilt and shame of your failure into your relationship. Feeling like a failure could be so strong that you are not sure if you want to let your partner know all that happened. If the horror of the assault is still fresh, telling the story of the assault may make it seem like it is happening all over again.
If you are uncertain about what to say, working with a professional counselor can help you decide how much to share. You also may find it easier under a therapist’s guidance during a couple’s counseling session because she can help you to know what to say and provide immediate support to your partner.
Ultimately, you are the one who should decide when and what to tell your partner about prior sexual abuse. This is a part of your history and you deserve to be supported and treated with respect and understanding.
Summary
Before you tell your partner about prior sexual abuse consider:
1. Why you would want to tell them
2. When you would want to tell them
3. How telling them would or would not be helpful
Remember the decision about telling your partner about this part of your past lies with you. Getting support to help you make this decision and then sharing the news in the company of a professional can help set the stage for your partner to work with you and not against you as you navigate the healing process.
Next Step?
If you would like help navigating the healing process, consider working with a therapist who understands how sexual abuse affects your nervous system and leads to depression, anxiety, anger, extreme sense of caution and dissociation. Therapists who are trained in body-centered modalities such as Somatic Experiencing® know how to effectively and gently discharge the trauma of the sexual assault. Cognitive therapy or just “talking about” the events without addressing how the abuse impacted your nervous system has limited effectiveness in reducing the trauma symptoms.
For more information about Somatic Experiencing click here
If you would like a complimentary 30-minute counseling session to help you decide if this approach will work for you, I can be reached at 720-635-7943.
~Maggie Kerrigan, LPC