Childhood Bonding: Anxious Attachment

This is part three in a serious of articles about childhood bonding or attachment. In this article, I look at anxious or preoccupied attachment. This strategy often results when the parent is inconsistently responsive to the child.

How Does Anxious Attachment Happen?

A child is dependent upon her parent for survival, feeling safe and managing difficult emotions. She will adapt at any cost to her parent’s vulnerabilities and strengths to get these needs met. In the ideal situation of secure attachment patterns, the parent also adapts to the child and is attuned to the needs of the child at least 20-30% of the time. These behaviors, however, are not always possible for the parent.

Some behaviors of the parent foster anxious attachment, which is called preoccupied attachment when the child becomes an adult. These include the parent

• Frequently being distracted by her own concerns.
• Inconsistently responding to the child’s needs.
• Being emotionally unavailable.
• Discouraging the child from acting independently.

If you were to watch a child who felt anxiously attached to her parent, you would notice the child:

• Being preoccupied with whether the parent is available.
• Expressing her needs vocally and persistently in an attempt to get the parent’s attention.
• Experiencing significant distress prior to and upon separation from the  parent.
• Showing little relief of this distress when she is united with the  parent.
• Declining to explore the environment after reunion with the parent.

 

How is Preoccupied Attachment Evident in Adults?

If you spend most of your time reflecting preoccupied attachment, you

• Focus much more on the needs others compared to your needs.
• Give a lot of attention to past experiences.
• Doubt your romantic partner’s commitment to the relationship.
• Feel victimized.
• Talk a lot and complain easily.
• Use long and difficult-to-follow sentences.

 

How to Help A Preoccupied Attached Adult?

You may have someone in your life who experiences  preoccupied attachment  strategies. If you are in a romantic relationship with this person, you can be frustrated as it may seem that no matter what you do to reassure your devotion to her, she finds it difficult to believe you. In another person, you may see that she gives to others to the point of exhaustion and is not able to care for herself.

• Remind her you are not abandoning her. Brainstorm together ways that you would be willing to offer this reassurance and that would have meaning for her. One example is to send a simple text message like, “I’m thinking about you today.”
• Encourage her to really notice how she is unique and special. Describe why you value what she does and celebrate with her what she enjoys.
• Support her awareness of how the present is different than the past. Ask her to point out specific differences in how situations are different now.
• Invite her to experiment with taking in caring behaviors from others. Taking in just one percent more caring acts such as a hug can make the receiving feel more manageable.
• Open conversations by asking how she is doing and give her your full attention when she responds. This can be a powerful way to show that she too is important.

 

Next Step?

If you are interested in exploring your attachment style with me, I can be reached at 720-635-7943 in Denver, CO. I offer a complimentary 30-minute consultation during which we can see if we are a good fit for one another.