Childhood Bonding: Disorganized Attachment

This is part five in a series of articles about childhood bonding or attachment. In this article, I look at disorganized or disoriented attachment. This strategy often results when the parent frightens the child.

How Does Disorganized Attachment Happen?

Babies are born into the world with their “foot on the gas.” The branch of their nervous system that helps them to be active is turned on. Babies need the parent to help them learn how to regulate their nervous system so they can also put their “foot on the brake” or to calm down by themselves and with the help of others. If the environment is hostile or frightening to the child, she will not want to interact with others. Consequently, she will not be able to relax her nervous system.

The childhood bonding strategy of disoriented attachment in the child, which leads to disorganized attachment in the adult, results when:

• The parent harms or seriously neglects the child and the child responds with fear.
• The parent herself is frightened due to past unresolved traumatic experiences.
• The parent’s mood shifts dramatically.

As a result, the child has two competing impulses. One is to withdraw out of fear and the other is to move toward the parent because she fears being alone. Unable to do either because there is no safe way to express her pain, the child gets struck in a freeze response unable to do either option.

Some signs that the child has a childhood bonding strategy of disoriented attachment style are when the child:

• Grasps on to the parent to be held yet does not meet her parent’s gaze.
• Appears to be in a trance state with her hands in the air.
• Initially moves toward the parent then stops suddenly and retreats.

 

How Does Disorganized Attachment Appear in Adults?

If this is your attachment style, you may

• Facilitate between wanting to connect with others one minute then withdraw in shame the next.
• Have long silences when you speak.
• Express what others perceive to be as unreasonable ideas.
• Demonstrate many of the characteristics of the avoidant attachment style.

 

How to Help a Disorganized Attached Adult?

This attachment adaptation can be challenging to help because of the adult’s inner confusion. One of the main ways you can offer support is to explain that she may have  two competing impulses of drawing close and then away from others. In addition, help her to find ways to safely experience these impulses.

 

One way to express the impulse to move away is to invite her to focus on feeling protected. Ask her if there were any one from her past who protected her or whom she witnessed protecting another person. If this is not possible, suggest that she think of images from movies, books or stories that represent heroes/ heroines or strong protectors. Next, invite her to imagine the protector defending her against frightening behaviors. These strategies can help her to realize that she can move away and that she does not have to be at the mercy of hurtful behaviors.

While the protector can help ease the fear of harm, identifying safe people or animals to be near can help her to recognize situations when it’s ok to feel close to others. Suggest that she identify a place in a room where she can go to be with the real or imagined person or animal. Invite her to pay attention to how she feels when she takes in its care. Over time, her nervous system can relax and begin to create a sense of secure attachment.

Next Step?

If you are interested in exploring your childhood bonding attachment style with me, I can be reached at 720-635-7943 in metro Denver, CO. I offer a complimentary 30-minute consultation during which we can see if we are a good fit for one another