Childhood Bonding: Secure Attachment

This is part two in a serious of articles about childhood bonding or attachment. In this article, I look at secure attachment. This is the strategy that offers adults the greatest sense of feeling at ease in the world.

 How Does Secure Attachment Happen?

Babies are like sponges. They readily absorb how a parent (usually mother or a primary caretaker) relates to them and to others. How a parent treats them can lay the foundation for years to come and influence how they adapt and thrive as adults.

In the best situation, a parent is able to offer baby a warm, intimate and continuous relationship that is mutually satisfying an enjoyable. Some ways this happens is when a parent:

• Quickly comforts the child when she cries through tender touch, eye contact and tone of voice. Parent us able to recognize when baby has had enough comforting and will stop this behavior when the child is ready to move on.
• Offers acceptance instead of rejection of child’s needs.
• Attempts to cooperate with instead of control the child.
• Expresses her own emotions authentically and appropriately mirrors the child’s feelings in a way that does not frighten baby. She is not emotionally remote.

If you were to watch a child who felt securely attached to her parent, you would notice the child:

• Explore unfamiliar situations then returns to her parent in order to get recharged.
• Return to her parent for comfort when she senses danger.
• Seek out and want to be close to the parent who protects and supports her.

How is Secure Attachment Evident in Adults?

If you spend most of your time reflecting secure attachment, you know who you are. This leads you to:

• Feeling recognized, understood and cared for by yourself and others.
• Asking for help and reassurance when threat arises.
• Rebounding quickly when challenges arise.
• Playing and laughing easily.
• Being at ease whether you are by yourself or in relationship.
• Talking in a way that is logical, consistent and clear.
• Engaging collaboratively with others.

True or False?

• Secure attachment patters can be disrupted. TRUE.

Shock traumas (time-limited overwhelming events) and significant loss or change in relationships can cause you to adopt other adaptive strategies as a child and adult.

• If you did not grow up feeling securely attached, then you cannot experience this as an adult. FALSE

Fortunately, your brain never loses the capacity to connect with others in a loving way. Secure attachment can be earned.

• It is not uncommon to experience secure attachment most of the time but then dip into other strategies when you are stressed. TRUE

Most people exhibit different strategies depending on the situation. If you experienced secure attachment most of your childhood, you will most likely be able to shift back into this state more quickly than others who received different parenting.

• Blaming your parents is helpful as you move toward secure attachment as an adult. FALSE

While recognizing your parent’s limitations can give provide insight into how you came to be who you are, consistently expending energy in blame can divert your attention away from creating satisfying relationships with yourself and others.

Next Step?

If you are interested in exploring your attachment style with me, I can be reached at 720-635-7943 in Denver, CO. I offer a complimentary 30-minute consultation during which we can see if we are a good fit for one another.