Domestic Violence: Asking for Change
This article is the second in a series, which focus on domestic violence and what behavioral changes to ask of the abuser. In the first article, I described some of the common characteristics of an abuser’s behavior and why you may not see the abuse coming.
About midway through a counseling session, Colette (not her real name) decided she no longer wanted to be the target of her husband’s abuse. She acknowledged that she was not ready to abruptly end her marriage; she said she loved him too much to do that. Feeling empowered to make requests for change, she created a list of changes he would have to make in order for her to remain married.
As she created the list, I suggested she identify very concrete changes that he would have to make so that even her friends would be able to recognize them should they happen. We also discussed how quickly she wanted to see the changes and how she would respond if he treated her disrespectfully.
Five Changes To Request
You may be the first person in your partner’s life who insists that he change if you are to remain partnered. Knowing what to ask can be an important first step toward yours and his health.
Some changes may be easier for him to make than others. Those listed below are not superficial ones, and they require some honest self-examination and courage of the abuser.
Five changes for the abuser to make include:
1. Describing in detail the way he abused others and how they were affected by it.
2. Demonstrating sincere respect of others.
3. Apologizing to others for attempting to control them; repairing and replacing damaged property
4. Taking responsibility for any losses in relationships and work.
5. Being open and receptive to getting professional support to accomplish the above steps and to increase his and other’s confidence that he will not be abusive again.
How Long Will it Take?
These changes may require a year of intense work. It often requires dramatic changes to old patterns, which probably began in childhood and changes to deep-seated cultural beliefs about what a man is entitled to have when he is partnered.
How Will He Respond to the Requests?
How he responds can vary greatly from taking you seriously and immediately seeking support to create positive changes to intensifying the abuse.
Some common responses that indicate he may not change include:
* Repeatedly making promises to change without acting on them.
* Attempting to win your favor by helping you with things he previously had refused to do with the intention that this will weaken your resolve to insist on real changes.
* Warning you that he will clear out the bank accounts or take the children in order to scare you into becoming more dependent on him.
* Intentionally hurting himself in order to gain your sympathy so you see him as a victim.
* Bragging that he will hurt you or anyone who could help you in order to keep you isolated and feeling vulnerable.
These responses often indicate that the abuser does not want to change nor does he want you to go away. In the mind of the abuser, you are responsible for his feelings; you belong to him; and it is you who needs to work on the relationship. The abuser wants your self-confidence about making it on your own to crash.
But Wait…
I have tried to make him change, but he won’t do it. What should I do?
While you may wish that you could make him change, this is something that he needs to do for himself. The changes often require a major shift in how he views how he gets to use his power and how he thinks others perceive him as a man.
I am not sure how long I should give him before I say, “I’ve had enough abuse!”
How long you are willing to give him to change before you leave is a personal decision. You may know early on how sincere and motivated he is to change. Consulting with someone experienced in domestic violence may help you create realistic goals and time lines. Paying attention to how your own physical and emotional health and ability to function at work and home are affected by the abuse also could help you to decide how long to wait.
I am so use to being manipulated; I don’t think I can trust myself to recognize if he is really changing.
You may find it easier to track the changes and their impact on you by conferring with a trustworthy friend or neutral party. That way, when you get scared or feel vulnerable to his manipulation, you have a way to gauge real changes versus what you want to have happen.
What about Colette?
Colette said she felt like she was in shock and that the realization that he had no intent in changing was still sinking in. To help her come out of shock, I suggested she focus on something pleasant and to notice sensations in her body. Only after she knew that she “was back” and no longer dissociated, did we review all the ways she knew she had a right to request the changes and that she was not responsible for his behavior. She decided to give her husband one more week to see if he would agree to attempting to make changes.
Summary
# Creating a list of changes that you would like to see in your partner is a way to show him you are serious about not accepting the abuse
# It may take a year of intensive work to change abusive behaviors.
# Some abusers will show a genuine desire to change while others may feel very threatened with your requests and increase their abuse of you.
Next step?
Psychotherapists who understand how domestic violence affects the physiology and how your body knows how to recover from it are excellent resources. A list of somatically trained therapists throughout the world can be found at the Somatic Experiencing Training Institute’s (SETI) website at Trauma Healing.
Trained by SETI in trauma therapy, I am available to see clients in the greater Denver, Colorado area. I offer complimentary 30-minute consultations for you to see if my approach will work for you. In addition, I list books to read about domestic violence on my website Healing After Trauma.
Another resource is the national domestic violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE or, for the hearing impaired, the TTY service at 1-800-787-3224.
