Domestic Violence: You Did Not See It Coming

This article is the first in a series, which focus on domestic violence. In it, I describe some of the common characteristics of an abuser’s behavior and why you may not see the abuse coming.

Colette (not her real name) had no idea that when she met Phil (not his real name) he would treat her abusively. When they had first met, Phil had met all her expectations. He was kind, listened deeply, showed genuine interest in her friends and was emotionally available. She did not hesitate to accept his marriage proposal a year later.
When I first saw Colette, she had been married three years. She described being emotionally numb, always tired and unable to concentrate. She thought she was going crazy and blamed herself for all the negativity in their marriage. When I suggested that she might be in an abusive relationship, she was stunned, but she knew on a deep level that this was true.

Who are the abusers?

While Colette’s situation represents abuse caused by a straight male against a female, those in gay and lesbian relationships also perpetrate abuse against each other. Much less frequently, a woman will abuse a male partner. Because most abusers in domestic violence are men, I use the male pronoun in this article.

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is any behavior or attitude that is disrespectful and/or controlling of an intimate partner. It can be psychological, emotional, physical, sexual or economical in nature. Domestic violence can represent a one-time occurrence or be part of a long-term way of relating. Following the abuse, the perpetrator does not show subsequent genuine remorse or desire a sincere repair to the relationship.

6 Abusive Behaviors You May Not See Coming

Domestic violence often involves one or more of the following:

1. Possessiveness: He may think he owns you and can tell you what you do in your relationship with him and others.
2. Controlling behaviors: He believes he has a right to control you in at least one area of your life such as how arguments are resolved; what rules apply to your personal freedom such as how you use your own money; and how you parent.
3. Sense of entitlement: He believes he is special and that he deserves certain privileges and rights. Some of these rights are for you to take care of him physically, sexually and emotionally and for you to not question his demands or criticisms.
4. Manipulation: He frequently changes his moods; gets you to feel sorry for him; and finds ways for you to withdraw from those who support you. These behaviors may leave you feeling crazy and at fault especially if the abuse appears after a period of calm and charm.
5. Secrecy: He hides the abuse from others. How he treats you and others can be drastically different. Away from home, he can be charming, generous, relaxed and interested in negotiating conflicts.
6. Self-centeredness: He is blind to who you really are. While he may say he loves you, he does not think about what is best for you, how to support you or respect your self esteem and intelligence.

But Wait

There are times when my husband really is loving toward me. I can’t believe that my situation is an example of domestic violence.

Those who abuse others, usually move through three stages. Underneath, however, he doesn’t really change. Eventually, the tension builds as he thinks about all the ways you have disappointed him. In the last phase, he explodes, blames you for everything and directs your attention to how hurt he is. He takes no responsibility for his behavior or feelings. The more times the cycles complete, the less time it takes to complete them. For example, early in the relationship it may take 1 year to complete all three stages while later it can take only one month to complete them.  In addition, the violence usually worsens when the abuser skips the regret phase. Your husband may be in one of relative calm and appears to want to make things better.

After my boyfriend has been mean to me, we make up with sex. Isn’t that how it’s suppose to work?

Physical intimacy can be used to repair hurts, but if your boyfriend exhibits any of the behaviors mentioned above, you may want to consider if your boyfriend is using sex for other reasons. For example, it may be to prove to him that you are ok after he has been abusive or that you are not going away. In addition, he may want you to buy into the myth that he will be harmed if you do not satisfy him when he is aroused.  Intimacy becomes more about meeting these needs of his rather than a mutually healing experience.

Sometimes I think maybe he’s right and I’m the abusive one when I try to defend myself after he has hit me.

What you describe is very common in domestic violence. An abuser will interpret your attempts to defend yourself from abusive acts as being violent toward him  then lash out at you again in self-defense. He will twist things around and feel entitled to knock you down and put you into the role of being just the listener. What you want or how you feel is not important.

What about Colette?

Colette and I first focused on strengthening her self-esteem. When asked, she readily identified things she did well outside the home. For each of these, I asked her to note how her body felt then to walk around the office noticing how she carried herself. She reported feeling taller and physically stronger and could think clearly and calmly. At home, she practiced remembering what she did well. This helped her to know that she could, at will, calm herself when she was upset.

Next, we focused on one abusive incident at a time. With each of these she gave her body time to follow the natural impulses to complete the biological responses that she would have liked to have done if she had felt safe or supported enough when her husband was being abusive. This allowed the fear and anger that she had been holding inside to dissipate. By working directly with her nervous system in this way, which I have described in previous articles, she was able to move through the abusive incidents in a way that increased her self-confidence to care for herself. For Colette, this meant deciding if she wanted to end the marriage or how she would need it to change if she were to stay.

Summary

Domestic violence happens when a partner or spouse disrespects or controls you with the abuser feeling no remorse or offering genuine repair to the relationship.

Abusive behavior can show up as

1. Possessiveness
2. Control
3. Entitlement
4. Manipulation
5. Secretiveness
6. Self-Centeredness

Next step?

If you know or wonder if you are in an abusive relationship, seek out support. By staying isolated, the abuse most likely will continue. Consider seeking support through family, friends, legal counsel, safe shelters or professionals trained in domestic violence. Knowing that taking these steps may be very risky and bring on more abuse, consider carefully your options. In articles to follow, I will go into more detail about possible choices on how to respond to an abusive situation and describe why abusers act the way they do.

Psychotherapists who understand how domestic violence affects the physiology and how your body knows how to recover from it are excellent resources. A list of somatically trained therapists throughout the world can be found at the Somatic Experiencing Training Institute’s (SETI) website at  Trauma Healing. Trained by SETI in trauma therapy, I am available to see clients in the greater Denver Colorado area. I offer complimentary 30-minute consultations for you to see if my approach will work for you.

Another resource is the national domestic violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE or,  for the hearing impaired, the TTY service at  1-800-787-3224.