Domestic Violence: Why Does She Stay in an Abusive Relationship?

This is part four in a series of articles about domestic violence. The others addressed how to recognize abuse, how to ask the abuser to change and how to know when to leave an abusive relationship. In this article I outline some of the reasons an abused person would not want to or be able to leave. While domestic violence happens among those with any sexual orientation and gender identification, I have chosen to use the pronouns “he” and “she” to represent the common situation in which the abuser is male and the abused person a female. 

You may have found yourself wondering how an abused friend or family member could possibly continue living with her abuser. After all, she seemed to have her act together in all other areas of her life; she was a good employee; gave back to the community and was a good parent. You are baffled when you see a self-respecting woman like her staying in a relationship, which is abusive physically, emotionally or psychologically. Why doesn’t she just leave?

There are three main categories of reasons of why a woman may choose to stay. These include her beliefs about herself and others, concern for loss of financial support and fear of physical or sexual abuse or death. For each category I will describe some of the thoughts a woman may have to explain her choice. While one woman may not have all these reasons, she usually has some combination of these.

Beliefs about Myself

• At the start of our relationship, he did everything I wanted and met my every need. He was over-the-top with affection and attention, and I loved it. I cannot accept that this was just a way to draw me in so he could get control over me.
• Ever since I was a child, I have had no one in my life who really wants or needs me. After the abuse is over and he apologizes, I become convinced he needs me. I want him, too, because I believe he is the person who can rescue me from the pain.
• My religious group and family say it’s my responsibility to keep the marriage going.
• No one helped my mom when dad beat her so I do not trust that anyone can help me.
• Because I want our relationship to be based on trust I should trust him when he says this is the last time he will hurt me.
• I deserve to be treated abusively because I believe there is something wrong with me.
• I know I can get him to stop using alcohol or drugs and when that happens he will stop abusing me.
• I cannot imagine believing I am competent or strong enough emotionally to make it on my own.
• I no longer trust my intuition to know what is true or right to do.

Beliefs About Others

• He hurts me because he loves me and wants me to learn how to do the right thing.
• My family is tired of helping and they have given up on me.
• What happens in the family should stay in the family. Domestic violence is a private matter.
• I have to stay for the kids because they need a dad.
• My friends cannot believe he is mean to me especially when he is so good to them. They think I am too sensitive and complain too much.
• He only hurts me once in awhile so it really does not qualify as abuse.

Fear of Physical or Sexual Assault or Death

• I cannot protect my children or myself because he is bigger, stronger or faster.
• He will become more violent out of revenge if I report him to the police.
• If the police do come, I am so frightened that I cannot think straight and I deny anything happened.
• The emotional abuse has gone on so long that now I am depressed and can barely get out of bed. I have no energy to protect myself or escape when he becomes violent.

#4 Loss of financial security

• If he is charged with assault, he could lose his job and my family’s only source of income.
• Living with less income means my family and I will suffer more than I do now.
• I do not have access to any money that I could use to get away or live on my own.

How To Help?

Offering support may be one of the most helpful things you can do when you notice your friend or family member is justifying her reluctance to leave the relationship. This is the opposite of what the abuser wants as he can wield more power when she is isolated. If possible, do not let anyone push you away from her. You may be her only lifeline to help when she is ready to reach out. Knowing that you understand her reasons for staying, she may begin to feel a sense of self-acceptance and less self-doubt. This in turn, strangely enough, may lead to a sense of hope for her that there is way out. Keep in mind that while you may be able to help buoy her emotionally and psychologically, if there is any risk of physical violence consider reaching out to professionals such as counselors or domestic violence shelters for guidance on how to help.

Psychotherapists who understand how domestic violence affects the physiology and how one’s body knows how to recover from it are excellent resources. A list of somatically trained therapists throughout the world can be found at the Somatic Experiencing Training Institute’s (SETI) website at Trauma Healing. Trained by SETI in trauma therapy, I am available to see clients in the greater Denver Colorado area. I offer complimentary 30-minute consultations for you to see if my approach will work for you.

Another resource is the national domestic violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE or, for the hearing impaired, the TTY service at 1-800-787-3224.